i have been a blogger for four years. at the end of last year i decided to move any posts relating to atheism to a new site, this one. the reason for this was twofold.

1) i don't need to upset family to the point they are too intimidated to visit my blog and see new pics of the kids.

2) the atheist community doesn't need to wade through artwork and family business. this lets me stay on topic and more frequently with number one out of the way.

i am 36. my father is a preacher for the church of christ (a denomination where women are not allowed to even speak in services) and my husband's father is a baptist pastor. both of our families are religious, from our siblings, grandparents to many cousins and their parents. i was raised in a very conservative home. conservative enough that i was not allowed to attend any dances (missing homecomings and my prom. and yes, i have seen the movie footloose).

some of my first memories of questioning were asking the sunday school teacher if we can't drink, why was it ok for jesus to turn water into wine? (believe it or not the answer was "because they lived in the desert and didn't have much water, so it was ok for them to drink alcohol.")

at the age of fourteen i was baptized, only to discover that life moved on as it always did and i was as isolated as ever by my parents' religion.

by the age of sixteen, my doubts began to get some footing. things wavered: why do we pray for the sick to get better when god doesn't interfere in our lives? (according to my upbringing, the miracles died with the apostles.).

by seventeen i had managed to call bullshit on it. enough so, in fact, that i wasn't afraid to lose my virginity (the angels didn't weep). premarital sex is a daunting thing only fellow believers can truly relate to. at this point it was about going through the religious motions for my family.

when i left home for college at eighteen, guilt of hurting my family and fear of being disowned led me to attend church when family pressured and visited. at this time blantenly "coming out" to them was too terrifying. but i had no belief in a god looking down on me demanding that i worship him and damning me to hell for saying his name in vain. this zombie attendance tapered off because it was pure torture and was just not worth the agony of sitting through the fakery.

a new journey had begun, one of searching for the "right" way. i dabbled in buddhism and other new-age crap for a while. it seriously had never occurred to me that i could be free of the supernatural, or that i didn't need a set of "rules" to live my life by. i was raised in a home and in a society that made a god hole in my heart and i was trying to figure out what went in that slot.

it wasn't until i met my husband that i came to realize that a philosophy for life needn't be like trying on shoes until you find one that fits. it is as simple as getting down to the core of individual liberty and living by reason.

for some time saying the "a" word was hard. calling myself an atheist felt cold due to its associations with heartlessness and evil. and i also felt put out for the need of a title just because believers wearing theirs forced me to separate myself from them by calling myself an atheist.

the last few years i have come to wonder how people can believe in the supernatural and especially christianity (since i'm so familiar with it). and i truly feel that many believers can't possibly be sincere. they must feel forced into it by peer pressure (just like i felt and see in my family) after being indoctrinated into it. or they must have some alternative motive like the social status it may give them or power in their position held within the church/society. i do believe many try to find comfort or meaning within, but i can't understand why they would continue to "believe" when no answers are offered and then i default back to the first. of course there must be a percentage of people who never question anything in life and go through the motions allowing any authority figure to set the pace and direction for everything in their lives (and have a need to "belong"). but isn't it human nature to question? how people not think their way through their lives will probably always be a mystery to me.

it took almost fifteen years for me to see the only gift in being raised christian turned atheist. my knowledge of the old and new testaments as a child was quite extensive. and it's now fascinating to study religions and theists (and frightening). i find it frustrating and daunting what power and influence believers in the supernatural have over our everyday lives and international matters.

this led me to understand that more of us need to come out and educate people. many find it shocking that you can be an honest and loving person and not believe in the supernatural. the truth is that because as an atheist you reside in reason, you may be the most moral person they ever met. so that is the purpose of this blog, not only to be a part of the atheist community, but to be here for those seeking to live with others in reality.

i am a wife, mother of three boys and business owner. i'm doing all this to the best of my ability without fear and intimidation. i'm living an honest and healthy life because i chose to, not because i will be sent to hell if i don't. and i chose to because it is in my best interest.

maybe if more of us "come out" we can live in a world where planes don't fly into buildings, censorship will not take place in schools, women will be free, laws will not dictate what we can do with our own bodies or who we can love.

to my fellow atheists, welcome to my catalog of other atheists' thoughts and my experiences and musings on this subject.

to the believers taking a peek, may you know truth and freedom and see how wonderfully beautiful this life is, and that this short life is too precious to be lived by blind faith alone, for your sake and others.

cyme eleanor